Diverticulosis happens when pouches (diverticula) form in the wall of the colon. If these pouches get inflamed or infected, it is called diverticulitis. Diverticulitis can be very painful. Doctors aren't sure what causes diverticula in the colon (diverticulosis). But they think that a low-fiber diet may play a role. Without fiber to add bulk to the stool, the colon has to work harder than normal to push the stool forward. The pressure from this may cause pouches to form in weak spots along the colon. Doctors aren't sure what causes diverticulitis. Bacteria grow in the pouches, and this can lead to inflammation or infection.
It was painful. More painful than anything I have experienced in my life. As I was suffering late at night, before going to the hospital, I began throwing up from the pain. While sitting on the bathroom floor I found myself singing. What an odd experience to throw up and sing at the same time. Specifically two songs were set on repeat in my mind, The Love of God by Marty Goetz and Lord Have Mercy by Lecrae. The line in Lecrae’s song is “Lord have mercy and pity on your son from what I once was and what I have become.”
While the diagnosis was clear, my doctors had no idea why this was happening to me because this condition seemed odd at my young age. With gas and excess Matzah ruled out, I had no clue either! It wasn't until the end of August that I experienced an unexpected revelation. God made me sick.
I know, it sounds weird and I don’t like saying it out loud or writing it down. I feel like to some degree it’s against my theology. Please don’t read this and believe that I am saying God causes people to get sick. That would miss the point of the lesson I learned. Some sickness is just sickness. Some sickness is opportunity for us to learn something.
For a few weeks prior to this revelation each of the leaders at Restoration came to me and in different conversation and all essentially said the same thing to me: “You don’t listen. When you do listen you are only hearing what you want to hear so you can persuade me to what you want me to do.” If one leader says something you think about it. If two leaders say the same thing you pray about it. If all your leaders say the same thing it is probably God trying to get your attention. So, with the encouragement from my mentor, I took a test from Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the results said, “You don’t listen. When you do listen you are only hearing what you want to hear so you can persuade me to what you want me to do.” Dang it. So, after all this I am getting in my car after a great workout and clear as day I hear the Lord say, “I made you sick.” I respond with, “why would you do that to me?” To which, as clear as if I was before the Lord, He said, “It was the only way you would listen to me.” Then there were tears. a lot of tears.
I don’t know how you feel about God speaking out loud. I don’t know if you have ever heard Him speak to you. Maybe you think I am crazy. I’m okay with that. Maybe you think God making me sick is ridiculous and I would say that, until this happened, I probably would have agreed with you. I am not saying sickness is from God. I am not saying this happens to everyone. I don’t know how often God works this way. There is also a danger that we would be gripped by fear and begin to believe that anything bad that happens to us is from God. It’s not. Fear is not from God. Here is what I know, I wasn’t listening. To think that I would try to persuade God, to what I want Him to do rather than listen for what He wants me to do, makes me sad. I want to listen better. To God, to my leaders. Of course the danger of being this transparent is that people have the tendency to look back and say “you weren’t listening to me either.” Or in conversation people pull out this blog and say “you are doing this to me, right now.” I get all that. I also believe that God wants to our experiences to encourage someone who may be going through the same kind of thing.
It’s interesting because in the beginning of January of this year I started taking my health seriously. I starting going to the gym four times a week and I am eating better than I had before. Aside from the time I was recovering from being sick I have maintained these lifestyle changes all year. I have changed a lot of things in my life because of this encounter with God. Reflecting back on this whole experience I realize this was a test from the Lord. When we talk about God testing Abraham in Genesis we recognize that He wasn’t testing Abraham to see what he would do. God knows. The test is for us. Honestly, it was faith building, even in serious pain I gave God glory and didn’t blame him for my pain. I worshipped Him and knew He was with me and was aware enough to hear is voice in my pain and recovery. Not just hear, either, but respond. Please don’t believe I am some kind of spiritual super star. That would miss my whole point in writing about this experience. It’s about how awesome God is not about me.
You might say, “If God loves you why would He hurt you?” This is an important question. The writer of the book of Hebrews gives a great answer:
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:7-11).
It is because God loves me so much that He would take such drastic measures to speak to me. I am quite confident that, for many years to come, 2015 will be a year for me to reflect back on knowing that God refuses to leave me. My passion in life is helping others know that no matter what you do, no matter how far you run from the God who created you, no matter if you claim to not believe in Him at all—that same God will never leave you. He waits, patiently. He inserts Himself into your story and uses the events of your life, good and bad, to point you back to Him.
So, are you listening even in your pain? Can you hear His voice? What is God saying to you in the midst of pain?
I totally get what you are saying! He will use whatever He has to in order to get our attention. Whether He causes it directly or simply allows it to happen by not protecting us...it is still Him. Baruch Hashem you are now listening! I pray that I am, too!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I appreciate your encouragement!
DeleteThank you Rabbi Matt for sharing your heart before God! May we all as Followers of Yeshua be willing to share as you did when He leads us!
ReplyDeleteDear Rabbi Matt, I recently came across your blog and am enjoying it immensely. It makes me overjoyed when I encounter Jews who have recognized their Messiah, our Salvation. I can add that I have been so hardheaded, stubborn and independent minded at times in my walk that God has resorted to knocking me up the side of my head with 2x4's on more than one occasion to get my attention, and I am eternally grateful. Shalom, EJ
ReplyDeleteThe Lord goes out of his way to make Himself clear to us. What an awesome God we serve!
DeleteRabbi Matt,
ReplyDeleteWith Love and respect to both you and your father I write from a deep concern. I can only image the pain you had to endure, the time this has been, and the amount of trust you must place in our King during this situation. My wifes mother died of Cancer the same year her father died in a car accident.
However, going back to Genesis we see Father never intended humanity to be sick. We see in Isaiah 53 that Yeshua did not take on sin only but also all of our sicknesses. He also healed all who came in his path, even those who did not know his name. He healed 10 and only 1 came back. This is the expression and heart of the Father. Yeshua is perfect theology of the father.
If we look at JOB for example we see that the demonic was allowed to afflict Job but it was Not God who afflicted him. It also was not of Jobs sin that caused it as well but is says " Job Feared " and this was the open door. It was Job out of Faith in an area that brought this on himself.
Now don't get me wrong I am not say " you are out of Faith " However To take Hebrews and use it to say discipline means sickness is extremely concerning to me. Father has never afflicted a believer in sickness. Oh sure some could try and say Paul had a "thorn in the flesh" but the Majority of Scholars such as James White and Dr. Michael Brown clearly explain that is does not mean "sickness". If we interperate Flesh as meaning literal flesh then we must also interperate Thorn as meaning a literal thorn. Can you see how slippery that is.
My point being we have no New Testament Born Again believers being afflicted with a sickness from GOD. YHWH's Heart is to heal and forgive. Mercy triumphs over Judgment.
Now you may disagree with me. But I don't see a good father making his child sick in order to punish them or slow them down. I would not put poison in my child's drink in order to get them to calm down so I can talk with them.
I strongly with tears and anguish as you to reconsider your position. For the sake of the Name.
Shalom,
Your Bother in Messiah
I agree with the poster above. I understand what you mean, when you say "God said He made me sick". God works with each of us on an individual basis. However Yeshua did, indeed, take sicknesses and afflictions that would/do attack us, on Himself.
ReplyDeleteHe is incapable of making us sick. HOWEVER, maybe that's the only way you would listen, is if He used the word in your vocabulary you would undetstand.
God uses people and situations as HE ALONE knows how to heal our inmost selves. It may seem like it's against the Word, however there are so many layers of understanding, in 1 scripture alone, no one knows it all.
However, when we write blogs, we must remember not everyone is on the same level of understanding of God and how He works, as the writer is. And we must be very careful in what is said, particularly if one is in a leadership.
He can and does use trials and circumstances in our lives to further our education in Him, however just as He cannot lie, He cannot go against Himself.
I pray you'll come to an understanding of what Hebrews means. As the previous writer said, mercy triumphs over judgement
Grace and Peace to you Janine,
DeleteAs you stated, Father and the Holy Spirit will never go against his own word.
Yeshua made himself clear:
John 10:10
"The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Yeshua) have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
This does not mean we do not have trial or hardships. But The apostle Paul never mentioned sickness in any of the things he "had to endure" in 2 Corinthians 11:22-30
The Lord Bless you and Rabbi Matt,
Your Brother IN Messiah
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ReplyDeleteI much appreciate your transparency in sharing this. Such honesty and self-effacement is a vanishing breed in our day of triumphalism and nothing but victory in the rhetoric of many. May such honesty become habitual for you, and for many others who look up to you. The reason it is rare is that it is not appealing, but as you said, "it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement Stuart. I appreciate you commenting and understanding my heart in this post!
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